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| mood: semi-truthful
in an altered state, i have figured out one aspect in regard s to being an adult...specifically in comparison to being an adolescent or whatevers...and that is controlling your truths...wow that sounds disgustingly ambiguous and lame...but hear me out before the last wave...when you were a kid...everything jus sort of blurted out...youre hot...mommy im hot...you see someone with a booger in their nose...eww you have a boogie hanging out...you want something - you throw a tantrum and yell but i want it until you either get that something or get some type of beat down...all in all...you wear your heart on your sleeve as a child...buuuuuuuuuuuut...then comes adulthood...and its all about what you know and how you use that knowledge to you advantage...you see someone cheat on their spouse ...i wont tell as long as she doesnt cross me...see a booger in someone's nose...well if someone else comes by, ill tell him....you want something - you blurt out any unknown truths in order to get you want...pretty much you get leverage and are privy to blackmail...so whats better - blatant seemingly meaningless truths or empowered knowledge??? bah bah baaaaaaaaah....
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| mood: like im in the eye of the storm
its coming down to the line...almost judgment day...so what to do what to do...jus dont think about it??? do what is within my power to either control it or make sumthin happen??? gaaaaaaaawd...maybe one month is all that is left...bah bah bah...ill admit...im scared that the end result will show that i came up short in some way...although it has been proven that some form of enlightenment and/or inner manifestation can result from a humbling and out of the ordinary experience, what if the perceived future does not include you??? the only silver lining is that you are dispensable and apparently can be lived without...and that is what is looming over my head like an incessant swarm of gnats.........
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| mood: out of sync
i think i am due for a tune-up of some sort...mentally, physically, and emotionally. i feels as though some things are not acting characteristically and that certain parts are not in groove with each other as well. its as if my senses have been dulled and muddled. but i guess thats bound to happen from time to time...cant feel on point 24/7. i jus wish there was a better way to discern when such phases or instances arise.
[do peas in a pod ever feel estranged from each other?]
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| mood: erratic and semi-hysterical
Mass Hysteria
n. sociopsychological phenomenon of the manifestation of the same or similar hysterical symptoms, disease, or ailment by more than one person - common manifestation of mass hysteria occurs when a group of people believe they are suffering from a similar disease or ailment
originality has become increasingly sparse as each day passes with constant depictions of "individuals" exercising their free will to simply be seen as a nearly identical clone of the person fifty yards ahead of him or her. i walk the 512 paces to class hoping to have my attention diverted from the amalgamated mass to an actual character of interest. dont get me wrong...its not about the clothing or hair style, as much as it is the attitude or the exuded essence. what makes the difference is that you feel his or her presence. but how do people rise above the natural and seemingly inevitable inclination to simply conform? it must be strength in mind - an attribute which is sorely lacking in the population as substantiated through the myriad of medicated treatments whose purpose is to restore balance. can it be argued then that conformity is a battered down model of mass hysteria? it starts out with a concentrated few being infected with the resolve to exhibit a self-projected image of eliteness and exclusivity. it is only a matter of time before this wave crashes down and catches more people in its undertow, making it harder to get a clear picture of the situation when waves are constantly washing away reality.
[i am tired of the downs]
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| mood: askew
is it jus an uphill battle or the fight of a losing one??? in facing situations such as these, i have learned to give my judgments more than jus a second glance in light of the fact that i am no expert...and almost detrimentally have been known to be of rash thoughts...
i sit here trying to rationalize with myself and have come to no peaceful ends...that which i am afraid of will never know verbal manifestation for it could very well be contained in that act itself - the root of a cruel demise...as with all things i cant help but take on a cynical approach...but it is the resounding mantra of many to simply step forward with a smile...i understand this belief being that i try to incorporate it to some degree in my life...but where do you draw the line??? where does one define the border between rational patience and delusional optimism???
as of late...i find myself with the same feeling of dissatisfaction and estrangement...ive tried to avoid the very situations that i am actually in want of out of fear that they will only lead me back here...so what now??? shall this be the time to stop trying??? it alwaiz feels like exuding an apathetic attitude towards an individual provides more results than placing them in a position of power in hopes that something positive will be reciprocated...all i know is that coming across some birds of paradise exudes the same aura as that of dandelions which only harbor wishful thinking for the seemingly hopeless...
...but then again...maybe theres jus a crick in my neck thats making me see everything in a lopsided fashion...
...it happens
[it took me a while on my own to realize what i have...but you shed light to what i lack] | | |
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